Saturday, September 9, 2017

Little Things

I want to talk about all of the little things that add up to make one, large whatever.  Raindrops are small, inconsequential, even beautiful acts of nature individually. However, several days of raindrops add up to potentially devastating consequences.

Things that have hurt. The 'little' things that have hurt.

No pics on social media. Being told to not tag on social media. A sister choosing 'neutrality' over having her own flesh and blood's back. A brother-in-law who doesn't invite you to your sister's birthday dinner. A sister who says that she can do whatever she wants in regards to who she invites to her family events. Children who spend more time with your ex and his girlfriend than they do with you.  Children who very obviously choose / like / love their father's family more than they love yours. Even going as far as saying they are not any part "Jones" (or whatever your maiden name might be). Children who don't tell you that they are all social media connected with their dad's girlfriend -- and that she sees everything you post and tag them in. Private thoughts and feelings that if you had known, not in a million years would you have wanted her to see. An ex who takes his girlfriend to your favorite place. And then upon returning, sends you an email saying how much he misses you. Months later, feeling threatened, you ask if his girlfriend would like those emails and he dares to say that if you ever expose / share them, it would say more about you than it did him. Lies. Betrayal. Pain. Anguish. Continued hurt.

Family hurts the most.  I don't understand. 

What does the future look like? I think I will be alone. But it's my choice if I want to be fearful and alone, or strong, capable, and productive alone.  I choose the latter.

There are many more days of hurt and pain ahead. It's never-ending this journey that I didn't choose for myself. But I will be strong. I am not afraid.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Ehhhh, Whatever

I leave in 36 hours for Florida and me and Mr. Canada's first meet. He has been colder / distant / reserved / busy or whatever this week. I'm over it, honestly. At this point, I'm going to Florida for me. I'm going to enjoy the sun and sand and if Mr. Canada makes it, great. If he's happy and into it, fine. It has the potential to be fabulous--no doubt. But I'm getting tired of coaxing it along. 

So, we will see. Meh. 

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Hold On, The Light Will Come

Things have been going amazingly well with Mr. Canada.  Last weekend, on Saturday - Sunday, we had a misunderstanding and ended up having a deep, "work it out" conversation on Sunday. I didn't like that, especially as it seemed to end up focused on me and MY fears / insecurities, but after a few days of an unsure feeling from me, I felt the warmth, again.

We FaceTime almost every night. Some incredible FT's. And yesterday morning we bought tickets to meet in Florida this coming weekend. 

All this being said, he is still battling his demons. He is most likely clinically depressed (he has a doctor appointment on 4/19 and will be diagnosed then), and at first I couldn't discern any of that depression from my end, but yesterday, after booking our tickets, he apparently had some fears surface. And I only because I asked him in our FT conversation last night - how he felt after booking his travel to come meet me. He said, 'You don't want to know.' He explained a little more, but he never put any labels to what he was feeling (I.e. fear, regret, scared, anxious, etc.). It made me a little said to hear that. I've thought I needed a super-strong, stable man in my life; he isn't that right now. But in some ways, he seems to be just that. 

The one fear that he has been clear about is rejection. He has outright said that I can't 'break up with him' until AFTER the weekend is over (if I'm not feeling it). He has explained that he knows he is definitely not strong enough to face or take rejection right now.  I gave him the option to do this another time. I told him that I completely understood and if he wanted to do it another time, I was perfectly OK with that. In fact, I was somewhat afraid to book/confirm the weekend before we pulled the trigger and booked our flights / lodging. I was thinking it wasn't such a great idea. That it would be better to wait until he came here and I was on my home turf and he was in a hotel. But he said, 'F*&% it! Book it!" And we did. And I've felt great.

After our FT conversation last night, I was left wondering if he was pulling away. I finished reading the four chapters of his manuscript (really, really great, BTW), and then I sent him a few texts but he didn't respond (it was almost midnight there). I said goodnight and went to bed.  It's now almost 9AM where he lives and I haven't heard back from him, yet. I am left wondering if he's going to cancel our weekend.  If he does, that's fine. I'm still going (especially because the lodging is non-refundable and it would cost me $250 to change my flights.). He also might have prepped me for this by explaining, lengthily, that it is difficult for Canadians to get through U.S. Customs going out of Canada. (I didn't realize that Immigration had offices/booths in foreign country airports! Makes sense, though. Stop anyone suspected of anything before they even get in the air, and they are still another country's problem, not ours. (Most likely their own country, I.e. If Mr. Canada was stopped leaving Canada, he'd still be in his own country.) Anyway, I feel like that might have been him prepping me - and that he is keeping that in his mind as a last-minute 'out'. Also, if this is true that the U.S. Is that tight with allowing Canadians into our country, then for sure they'll look long and hard at him because he recently traveled to Turkey, etc. I'm telling myself that not only is that HIS out, it's God's out for me. So if it happens, I'm fine with it. It was meant to be.

Beyond all of this, though, I am really, really into Mr. Canada. Really. Physically, intellectually, emotionally. It has been an amazing journey - the getting to know him. And I feel calm and peaceful. 

I was telling my mom yesterday about him and how into him I am and she said, "That's because he's in Canada." Huh. Smart mom.

So, I'm going with it. We will see where this road takes me.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Goodbye Song (Elizaveta)

No need for flutes or violins

Cause they won't mean a thing

When everything's been said.

No need for fancy cards or flowery prose

Though I suppose

they make us feel less bad.

No need for long, drawn-out explaining 

how and when - and why - this love came to an end

No need to to tell me so sincerely

you still want to be my friend.


It's a goodbye song

A little bitter, but it's sweet

You always wanted one

It comes a little late - but it's complete

It's from the heart

Please remember: I love you dearly

although we have to part.


No need to gather up the evidence 

to justify the emptiness inside

No need to pray and turn for guidance to the Providence:

it simply won't provide.

No need to ask your friends 

for well-intentioned Good Advice -

they're happy to oblige.

(and though I know you want to)

 -no need to promise we will work it out

and start again

Let's simply turn the page.


It's a goodbye song

A little bitter, but it's sweet

And you always wanted one

It comes a little late - but it's complete

It's from the heart

Please remember: I love you dearly

although we have to part.


So I won't cling to you

because it's driving you away

No need for subterfuge

I've all run out of insights

and inspiring things to say.

No need to worry so about me

cause you know

I'm landing on my feet...


... a little late - but I'm complete.

I speak from the heart:

please remember - I love you dearly

although we have to part.

Please remember, I love you dearly

although we have to part.

(Written by Elizaveta -from Beatrix Runs, out January 24, 2012)


My Book Outline

1. Leave when the offense is FIRST discovered! This puts the blame on the shoulders of the person who is squarely at fault--not only immediately, but forever more. (Band-Aid theory. Decisive! Boundaries.)
A. IF you want to work on things, work on them after you're gone/out of the situation. "Fixing" things is on the person who committed the error/fault/sin.
B. Suggestions of recourse/possible atonement should only come from offender. NOTHING ELSE will work. Nothing else will stick.

2. Due diligence --> IMPORTANT! (Watch for signs of FRAUD!)
A. Dating
B. Family
C. Time
D. Travel
E. Questions (face-to-face)
F. Time Apart
G. Religious Beliefs
H. Money Management
I. Children

3. Know and recognize co-dependent cycle. Choose to not be a part of it!


5. He is not capable of "having your heart' (let alone your back).

6. It will always hurt. (Continual death.)

7. Most likely, you will never get full closure. It is a wound that has been re-opened thousands of times, covered over, and ultimately, always left to fester without completely digging out the main infection. Do your best to a) recognize that and b) live with that.

8. Do not be confused by good works. Good works DO NOT EQUAL a good person. (Scripture got it wrong!) (Think: Wolf in sheep's clothing.)
A. Trust your instincts
B. Trust your heart
C. If you feel like something is wrong -- it's wrong!

9. Policing: The urge. WHY? Purpose? Hire someone if you must (will be useful for divorce discovery; as children get older; to refute future lies told by (ex) spouse; your own peace of mind).

10. Dating:

11. Broken Heart: Written on my face -- the influence this has had on my friendships/relationships with loved ones/overall happiness.

12. (Nightly) Fighting/Arguments: Affect on children. (Even if you don't think it is.)

13. Heart WANTS to be loved.  Danger in that is that you will instinctively seek out / accept other(S) who really shouldn't be in your life (still married?).

I. Before
1. Fraud
2. Due Diligence
II. During
1. Recourse
2. Co-Dependend Cycle
3. Heart/Back
4. Good Works
5. Policing
6. Broken Heart - Friendships/Relationships Suffer
7. Fighting/Arguing
8. DANGER: Desire to be Loved
III. After
1. Hurt
2. No Closure
3. Dating
4. Proof
5. Record YOUR Story
6. Support

I Believe in Love (Dixie Chicks)

I made a promise to myself
Locked it away deep down inside
Told my heart we'd wait it out
Swore we'd never compromise
Oh, I'd rather be alone
Like I am tonight
Than settle for the kind of love
That fades before the morning light

Silence stared me in the face
And I finally heard its voice
It seemed to softly say
That in love you have a choice
Today I got the answer
And there's a world of truth behind it
Love is out there waiting somewhere
You just have to go and find it

I believe in love, I believe in love
A love that's real, love that's strong
Love that lives on and on
Yes I believe in love
Yes I believe in love

Mr. Canada

I've been talking to Mr. Canada since Feb 24. I found him online, and sent him a message - to which he responded pretty quickly! And a happy, fun, cute response. It has been non-stop ever since. He even went on a two-week middle-Asia trip, but was great at messaging me usually twice a day (in the morning and at night). A couple of times, I've almost walked away - but this week he explained where his mind is at, and that pretty much made everything click. Our FaceTimes are UNREAL. I don't  hink I've ever felt this kind of chemistry/attraction to someone. Only comparable is Adonis (Vanilla Ice). And, yes - it's like that. 

Canada says some pretty amazing things to me. Like, when I showed him my prom pic - he said I was beautiful even then and that he wished we would have known each other and lost our virginity together. I know - pretty whoa!! But, it was a super sweet thought. Another one:

"Yeah, and I'm telling you. You have the perfect, perfect mix. Of class first. Deep passion second. And the perfect amount of naughty girl only for your guy. That's every guy's dream. To find a classy woman all around, but sexually she can let go and be dirty. And, in a way, a little ****** with her guy. That's virtually impossible to find."

^^^That he 1) can recognize that and 2) verbalized it mean a lot to me (1+2 = AMAZING!).

I saw Kinky Boots today. Although the singing wasn't over-the-top caliber, the show itself and especially the message of love and acceptance were phenomenal. Here are the words to my favorite song:

When I was just a kid
Everything I did was to be like him
Under my skin
My father always thought
If I was strong and fought
Not like some albatross, 
I'd begin to fit in.

Look at me, powerless and holding my breath
Trying hard to repress what scared him to death
It was never easy to be his type of man
To breathe freely was not in his plan
And the best part of me
Is what he wouldn't see.

I'm not my father's son
NI'm not the image of what he dreamed of
With the strength of Sports and the patience of Job.
Still couldn't be the one
To echo what he'd done
And mirror what was not in me.

So I jumped in my dreams and found an escape
Maybe I went to extremes of leather and lace
But the world seems brighter six inches off the ground
And the air seemed lighter
I was profound and I felt so proud
Just to live out loud.

I'm not my father's son
I'm not the image of what he dreams of
With the strength of Sports and the patience of Job
Still couldn't be the one
To echo what he'd done
And mirror what was not in me.

The endless torment of expectations
Swirling inside my mind
Wore me down
I came to a realization and I finally turned around
To see
That I could just be me.

I'm not my father's son
I'm not the image of what he dreamed of
With the strength of Sports and the patience of Job
Still couldn't be the one
To echo what he'd done
And mirror what was not in me.

We're the same, Charlie boy,
You and me.

I miss my children. They don't pay me a lot (barely any) of attention. My dad comes over and walks my dog every day. I'm grateful for that. Other than that, I don't really have any family. My sister and I are not close, my older brother lives out-of-state and we aren't close. My younger brother has cerebral palsy. It's a weird place to be. I feel very alone a lot of the time, but I'm determined to stay happy. I've also really worked on feeling peace. I feel so much more peace now.

So much to catch up on, I need to write on here more often. I enjoy it. I found a lump in my breast the night before I took #3 to Chicago a few weeks ago. I went to my Primary Care Physician / Doctor and she sent me to get a mammogram and ultra sound on that breast (even though my last mammo was just in October). Anyway, I had that this week, and all turned out to be OK. It's a lump of tissue, basically.